Teaching or Discipline?

Sometimes a chronic problem develops ... for example, the whole family is demanding and unkind to one another.  You have noticed a lack of kind words and simple courtesy in the home.  What to do?

First, identify the problem and think of clear examples of it happening.  You have noticed that family members say "Get my book" instead of "Dad, could you please pass hand me my book?"

Think of an enforceable statement you could use, "I help those who use good manners."  or "Someone might be talking to me but I can't hear them. I go deaf when requests are made without manners."  (Say this with kindness and empathy!)

Also plan an appreciative statement:  "I appreciate it so much when we use kind words and good manners in our family."

Then, at a time when everyone is in a great mood and all together try a little education by example.  If your spouse is in on this then try an exaggerated use of good manners and appreciation with one another in front of the kids. 

     Dad:  "Honey, would you please pass the ketchup?
    Mom:  "Thank you so much."
    Dad:   "You are welcome"
    Mom:  "I just appreciate it SO much when we use good manners."

Finally, keep it up with all who catch on but also faithfully use the enforceable statement when requests are made without good manners.

Kids and Money...

Billionaire Warren Buffet knows how to make money... lots of it.  While his fortune will largely go to philanthropy through the Bill Gates Foundation when he dies, his children did receive a substantial number of shares of stock as young adults from their grandfather.  However, Warren Buffet gave them no teaching or instruction when they received the stock.   Largely absent from their lives as children, they did not learn about money from him.  He did not even explain to them that they could borrow against the value of the stock rather then sell it should they need cash.  As young adults, they sold the stock even as it continued multiply in value.  They each received 600 shares worth about $1000 per share.  Selling them would have netted each child $600,000.    (Warren Buffet's daughter Suzy sold hers to buy a Porsche.) This week those class A shares were selling for nearly $124,000 each....  $74,400,000.  Because they did not learn about money as children they paid a high pricetag as young adults.

We may not have a lot of wealth to pass on to our children but we can figure out how to teach them while they are young the skills that they will need to survive as they grow older.  Love and Logic reminds us that the price tag for learning from experience is small when children are small but grows exponentially as they get older.  Wise parents intentionally teach or develop experiences in a way that allows children the opportunity to fail and gain wisdom.  Sometimes we don't need to teach at all but just let consequences be the teacher.

Why Leading with Empathy Works

Becoming a Love and Logic Parent

New Class Starts Feb. 21

5:30-7:30 PM, 7 weeks

On the Campus of

Zion Lutheran Church & School

w/ Club 66 Programming for Children 

I know I keep coming back to empathy but really - it's magic!  It can improve your relationship with your small children, with adult children, with your spouse, with co-workers, with your in-laws.  Here's how it works.

1.  When someone is angry or frustrated they are in an emotional state of stress that takes brain activity to the brain stem.  The brain stem is reactive.  It deals with "fight or flight."  Brain stem mode is a bad place to be when two human beings need to communicate.

2.  Training yourself to lead with SINCERE empathy in stressful situations actually triggers your brain and the other person's brain into moving thought from the brain stem to the frontal lobe.  That's where problem solving and rational thought take place.

3.  Getting into he habit of using one empathetic phrase makes this whole process easier because you (the person in control of their own brain) are less likely to engage the other person in a battle of wits or words that will only escalate "fight or flight."   My favorite is a simple, "Oh Man!"  but almost any neutral phrase will work if it is said with sincere empathy.

4.  Don't even let yourself go to sarcasm. Stop.  I know!  Just don't do it!


5.  Once everyone is in their frontal lobes then other skills from Love and Logic can kick in like... 

• Helping others solve their own problems
• Delaying the consequences
• Going brain dead

(There are posts in the archive on all of these)

Happy Valentine's Day!

 

Media and Kids - Cell Phones

The media explosion in our lives is leaving some parents feeling overwhelmed.  When it comes to cell phones, what are some things parents might consider?

Why do I (the parent) want my child to have a cell phone?

• A phone is not available to them where they are going.
• I want them to be able to call me in an emergency.
• I need to be able to call them if plans change.
• Parental peace of mind  (Just beware of over parenting here)

Those are great reasons.  Be aware that your child wants a cell phone for far different reasons

• Because you have one
• Because their friends have one
• Beause they want to text and talk to their friends
• Because its an awesome toy

 Children are often not old enough or experienced enough to be aware of the dangers. Before you end up paying  $300 (or $3000) because they exceeded their text limit or the minutes on your call plan, consider the following.

Beyond basic safety concerns, a cell phone is a want not a need. Some options for parents to consider are...

• You can have your own cell phone as soon as you are able to handle the monthly bill with payment required 1 month in advance with a 1 month deposit or
• You can have your own cell phone and go on our calling plan as soon as you have a deposit of $300 in the bank to cover overages.
• You can use an emergency phone that we provide for times when you are not near another phone.
• The phone we provide will be one with parental controls or a limited number of buttons that allows you only to call pre-programmed numbers.
• If you are on our plan, you need to know up front we will review texts. (Don't do this behind their backs.)
• No phone zone 1... if you still have a landline, one option is having everyone check their phones at the door.  No minutes used from home.  No texting at home.
• No phones zone 2:  another option is to make the dinner hour including preparation, table setting, and  clean up a no phone zone.
• No phone zone 3:  Acting on the assumption that when everyone is safe at home in their own bed they do not need their cell phones... you could enact an "all phones in bed by 9" basket for everyone to put their phones in.  This could double as a charging station.and potentially eliminates middle of the night texting.

“Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds”

http://www.kff.org/entmedia/entmedia012010nr.cfm
News Release
January 20, 2010
For further information contact:
Susan Lamontagne (917) 568-0969, susan@publicinterestmedia.com
Rakesh Singh (650) 234-9232, RSingh@kff.org
Craig Palosky (day of event) (202) 347-5270

DAILY MEDIA USE AMONG CHILDREN AND TEENS UP DRAMATICALLY

FROM FIVE YEARS AGO

Big Increase in Mobile Media Helps Drive Increased Consumption

Most Youth Say They Have No Rules About How Much Time They Can Spend

With TV, Video Games, or Computers

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With technology allowing nearly 24-hour media access as children and teens go about their daily lives, the amount of time young people spend with entertainment media has risen dramatically, especially among minority youth, according to a study released today by the Kaiser Family Foundation. Today, 8-18 year-olds devote an average of 7 hours and 38 minutes (7:38) to using entertainment media across a typical day (more than 53 hours a week). And because they spend so much of that time ‘media multitasking’ (using more than one medium at a time), they actually manage to pack a total of 10 hours and 45 minutes (10:45) worth of media content into those 7½ hours.

The amount of time spent with media increased by an hour and seventeen minutes a day over the past five years, from 6:21 in 2004 to 7:38 today. And because of media multitasking, the total amount of media content consumed during that period has increased from 8:33 in 2004 to 10:45 today.

Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds is the third in a series of large-scale, nationally representative surveys by the Foundation about young people’s media use. It includes data from all three waves of the study (1999, 2004, and 2009), and is among the largest and most comprehensive publicly available sources of information about media use among American youth.

Mobile media driving increased consumption. The increase in media use is driven in large part by ready access to mobile devices like cell phones and iPods. Over the past five years, there has been a huge increase in ownership among 8- to 18-year-olds: from 39% to 66% for cell phones, and from 18% to 76% for iPods and other MP3 players. During this period, cell phones and iPods have become true multi-media devices: in fact, young people now spend more time listening to music, playing games, and watching TV on their cell phones (a total of :49 daily) than they spend talking on them (:33).

Parents and media rules. Only about three in ten young people say they have rules about how much time they can spend watching TV (28%) or playing video games (30%), and 36% say the same about using the computer. But when parents do set limits, children spend less time with media: those with any media rules consume nearly 3 hours less media per day (2:52) than those with no rules.
Media in the home. About two-thirds (64%) of young people say the TV is usually on during meals, and just under half (45%) say the TV is left on “most of the time” in their home, even if no one is watching. Seven in ten (71%) have a TV in their bedroom, and half (50%) have a console video game player in their room. Again, children in these TV-centric homes spend far more time watching: 1:30 more a day in homes where the TV is left on most of the time, and an hour more among those with a TV in their room.

“The amount of time young people spend with media has grown to where it’s even more than a full-time work week,” said Drew Altman, Ph.D., President and CEO of the Kaiser Family Foundation. “When children are spending this much time doing anything, we need to understand how it’s affecting them – for good and bad.”

Heavy media users report getting lower grades. While the study cannot establish a cause and effect relationship between media use and grades, there are differences between heavy and light media users in this regard. About half (47%) of heavy media users say they usually get fair or poor grades (mostly Cs or lower), compared to about a quarter (23%) of light users. These differences may or may not be influenced by their media use patterns. (Heavy users are the 21% of young people who consume more than 16 hours of media a day, and light users are the 17% of young people who consume less than 3 hours of media a day.)

Black and Hispanic children spend far more time with media than White children do. There are substantial differences in children’s media use between members of various ethnic and racial groups. Black and Hispanic children consume nearly 4½ hours more media daily (13:00 of total media exposure for Hispanics, 12:59 for Blacks, and 8:36 for Whites). Some of the largest differences are in TV viewing: Black children spend nearly 6 hours and Hispanics just under 5½ hours, compared to roughly 3½ hours a day for White youth. The only medium where there is no significant difference between these three groups is print. Differences by race/ethnicity remain even after controlling for other factors such as age, parents’ education, and single vs. two-parent homes. The racial disparity in media use has grown substantially over the past five years: for example, the gap between White and Black youth was just over two hours (2:12) in 2004, and has grown to more than four hours today (4:23).

Big changes in TV. For the first time over the course of the study, the amount of time spent watching regularly-scheduled TV declined, by 25 minutes a day (from 2004 to 2009). But the many new ways to watch TV–on the Internet, cell phones, and iPods–actually led to an increase in total TV consumption from 3:51 to 4:29 per day, including :24 of online viewing, :16 on iPods and other MP3 players, and :15 on cell phones. All told, 59% (2:39) of young people’s TV-viewing consists of live TV on a TV set, and 41% (1:50) is time-shifted, DVDs, online, or mobile.

“The bottom line is that all these advances in media technologies are making it even easier for young people to spend more and more time with media,” said Victoria Rideout, Foundation Vice President and director of the study. “It’s more important than ever that researchers, policymakers and parents stay on top of the impact it’s having on their lives.”
Popular new activities like social networking also contribute to increased media use. Top online activities include social networking (:22 a day), playing games (:17), and visiting video sites such as YouTube (:15). Three-quarters (74%) of all 7th-12th graders say they have a profile on a social networking site.

Types of media kids consume. Time spent with every medium other than movies and print increased over the past five years: :47 a day increase for music/audio, :38 for TV content, :27 for computers, and :24 for video games. TV remains the dominant type of media content consumed, at 4:29 a day, followed by music/audio at 2:31, computers at 1:29, video games at 1:13, print at :38, and movies at :25 a da
High levels of media multitasking. High levels of media multitasking also contribute to the large amount of media young people consume each day. About 4 in 10 7th-12th graders say they use another medium “most” of the time they’re listening to music (43%), using a computer (40%), or watching TV (39%).

Additional findings:

Reading. Over the past 5 years, time spent reading books remained steady at about :25 a day, but time with magazines and newspapers dropped (from :14 to :09 for magazines, and from :06 to :03 for newspapers). The proportion of young people who read a newspaper in a typical day dropped from 42% in 1999 to 23% in 2009. On the other hand, young people now spend an average of :02 a day reading magazines or newspapers online.

Media and homework. About half of young people say they use media either “most” (31%) or “some” (25%) of the time they’re doing their homework.

Rules about media content. Fewer than half of all 8- to 18-year-olds say they have rules about what TV shows they can watch (46%), video games they can play (30%), or music they’re allowed to listen to (26%). Half (52%) say they have rules about what they can do on the computer.

Gender gap. Girls spend more time than boys using social networking sites (:25 vs. :19), listening to music (2:33 vs. 2:06), and reading (:43 vs. :33). Boys spend more time than girls playing console video games (:56 vs.: 14), computer games (:25 vs. :08), and going to video websites like YouTube (:17 vs. :12).

Tweens and media. Media use increases substantially when children hit the 11-14 year-old age group, an increase of 1:22 with TV content, 1:14 with music, 1:00 using the computer, and :24 playing video games, for total media exposure of 11:53 per day (vs. 7:51 for 8-10 year-olds).

Texting. 7th-12th graders report spending an average of 1:35 a day sending or receiving texts. (Time spent texting is not counted as media use in this study.)

The report, Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds, was released today at a forum in Washington, D.C. that featured the chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, media executives and child development experts. The report, related materials, and a live webcast are available online.

http://www.kff.org/entmedia/entmedia012010nr.cfm

How Much is Too Much? (Taming the Electronic Monster 2)

I think we just live in a "too much" society.  There is nothing like the suffering in Haiti to remind us of just "how much" we have.  So, what if you, as a parent, are strategically, thoughtfully, stealthily, and consistently trying to move your family to step back from electronic disengagement and back into relational engagement with each other and with important things like well, helping people in Haiti.

1.  Plan a family meeting.
2.  Share a news article or web article from Haiti ( Be careful about the content depending on your child's
     age). 
3.  Ask "What can we do as a family?"  Solicit ideas because that creates ownership.
4.  If no ideas are forthcoming... ask, "Would it help to know what some other people are doing?"
5.  Be ready.  I have listed some sources below that might be helpful.  Your family could

• Raise money through a garage sale, or by listing unwanted items for sale in the newspaper (in our area anything under $100 is free). 
• You could involve family, friends and neighbors in collecting material goods (make sure you know how you will get them to Haiti)
• Become involved in supporting a child or family long term through World Vision
• Particpate in local fundraisers or drives.

Material Donations:  http://www.lcms.org/pages/internal.asp?NavID=16410
World Vision: http://www.worldvision.org/
Red Cross: http://www.redcross.org/

Whatever you decide, the process of involving everyone in some way is even more important than the actual product here.  This is a chance for your family to shine and for you to pass on some great life lessons.  (By the way... avoid any lectures, threats, or "I told you so's" about the whole electronic disengagement thing - we're just working on redirection here.)

Taming The Electonic Monster

How much is too much TV?  How much is too much when it comes to video games?  How much is too much when it comes to cell phones? Texting?  Instant messaging? Social networks? 

You might not be asking these questions just for your children. Perhaps you or your spouse have disengaged from the family for long hours to run the farm or manage the mafia or go in search Farkle chips.   More then one young wife I know complains about their husband's involvement with video games at the expense of engaging with them or with their children.  

So what's a family to do?  I found some thoughtful answers this week on Oprah as I watched Peter Walsh .  The show aired on Monday, Jan. 11. It's the story of a family tuned in to everything but each other and how one week made all the difference.

You can view the video yourself at:

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Peter-Walshs-Stripped-Down-Family-Challenge.  More on this topic coming.


Note: The cartoon in this blog is  from Gary Olsen, http://www.dubuque.k12.ia.us/cartoons/.

Asssumption of Compliance

I was watching Nanny 911 tonight while in my hotel room.  I am attending a Family Life Education Visioning Summit.  Nanny was coaching a family with real problems.  I watched as first Mom and then Dad exhibited the same bad behavior.  They would ask one of their sons to do something and then badger them , threaten them, and finally give an hour's time out  becasue their was not instant compliance.  They moved so quickly into more talking that he didn't have time to comply.(By the way, he was 8 so his timeout according to Nanny should have been 8 minutes) .  Neither gave the children any time to comply.  At one point the little boy just grabbed his head and said, "I can't think! You're hurtinng my brain!"

Some of Nanny's advice had a Love and Logic ring to it.

1.  Remain calm.
2. Ask for a specific behavior  ( ie. "Could you pick up your socks?")
3. Assume compliance and walk away giving the child time and space to act. (This comminicateds that you expect and trust that what you have asked will get done.
4. More talking does not make a situation better espcially if the talk is hostile and threatening.
5. I would add that Love and Logic suggests giving a child even more conrol by letting them choose when to do the task within a given time frame.  You could use an enforceable statent such as "Feel free to have your socks picked up anytime before we sit down to dinner."

It must have been really hard on the parents because their behavior was videotaped.  So they had to watch themselves interacting so negatively with their sons.  I think they were very courageous and they took what they saw and worked at change.  Perhaps we would all benefit from an occasional videotape of ourselves in action.  Could be pretty painful and amazingly fruitful.

Brrr! What if they won't dress warm?

It's cold!  Your kids have warm coats, gloves, and hats but your 10 year old still runs out the door without his or your strong willed 3 year old simply prefers her pretty princess pink spring coat and won't wear anything else.  What's a parent to do?!

Here are some Love and Logic possibilities:

1. Offer choices:  Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?  (or for the pretty pink princess coat problem ask, "Do you want to wear over coat over the princess coat until we get where we're going or carry it?)
2. Require a deposit: You can wear your coat or not wear it as long as you have the cost of a doctor's office visit in an envelope on my desk.   I will return the money to you in spring if its never used. If they ask how much a doctor's office visit is, give them the number to call.   (Probably about $80 unless you have a copay but you don't have to tell them about the copay) 
3. Some parents don't say anything but pull a surprise later when kids want to go somewhere and simply say, "I am so sorry.  It is dangerously cold outside.  I can't trust you to dress warmly enough to be safe so I just can't let you go."
4. Model: wear your coat!  Talk out loud to yourself as you decide how warmly to dress:  "I think I'll need a hat today!"
5. If your child is otherwise normal and healthy, don't write a note asking the teacher to keep your child in because they forgot their coat.   A Love and Logic teacher confronted with a child who forgot their coat might turn the problem back over to the child:

          Teacher:   Oh that is so  sad.  What will you do about that?
          Student:    I don't know.
          Teacher:  Would you like to know what other kids have tried?
          Student:   I guess.
          Teacher:  Some kids borrow a coat from lost and found.  Some kids just keep running around to
                         stay warm.  Some kids get all their friends to stand around them and keep them warm.  
                         Some kids volunteer to help the janitor do yucky chores inside while their friends go
                         outside.

A child who gets cold because they were negligent will learn their lesson if they are not rescued.  Of course, frost bite is an issue so you need to know if you can trust that a teacher will not let your child get "that" cold.

Bottom line: figure out a way to deal with this that allows the child to be responsible, make decisions, and live with the consequences of their choices.

Got any other ideas?

Stay warm! 

Should kids get an allowance?

Love and Logic says Yes!  But, oddly enough, they do NOT suggest tying an allowance to chores.  Why?  Because chores are something everyone in the family does to contribute to the family.  They are part of beeing needed and valued by the family.  Chores teach responsibility.

So, how do you handle  allowance?

1. Give a set amount once a week on the same day every week.
2. Tie the amount to age and predetermined needs. 
3. Let your children "overhear" you talking to another adult about how you had to save several weeks (or months) for something or how you can't buy something specific because your saving for something more important later.  (I'm not going to buy a fast food lunch everyday now because I am saving for a new blender and if I take my lunch I can have a new blender in 3 weeks)
4.  Do not give advances.  If a child runs out of money or spend it unwisely, simply lead with empathy and then reply, "That's okay dont worry, we give allowance on Saturday morning.  You'll get more then. " 
5. A child may choose to use their allowance to pay someone else to do their chores.  If  a child does not do their chores, you can deduct from their allowance the amount you had to use to pay someone else to do it.
6. It is okay, for you to pay a child to do chores you don't want to do that are above and beyond their own chores.
7. What if they save their money and want to spend it on something you think is ill advised?  As long as we're not taking values but rather soemthing you think they will grow bored with or that will break... don't rob them of this valuable lesson.  Be prepared in advance to give empathy.

Hint for teens:  Give an allowance on Sunday.  This means that if they have weekend needs, they will have to save it through the week to be able to use it on the following weekend.  If they have spent it and don't have money for weekend plans with their friends refer to #4 above.

The B Word

One year we outlawed the B word at our house.  We'd grown tired of having children with rooms full of toys and electronics who had the audacity to say aloud, "I'm bored!"   It might not have been very Love and Logic of us but my husband and I decided a drastic lesson was needed.  Rather then give them the threatening "I'll give you something to be bored about" lecture... we simply made a new rule.  Anyone (including Dad and Mom) who used the dreaded B word would immediately get to do 2 hours of chores.  (We also pre-prepared some suitable lists of chores.)

It wasn't too long before each of our sons at different times accidentally said they were BORED in our presence. Naturally, they were only to happy to point out the other's misdeed just in case we'd missed it ourselves. We looked shocked.  We gave amazing amounts of empathy.  We also followed through with passing out the list, setting the timer, and checking on "well done" completion.

Guess what?  A problem that had been annoying us for months suddenly disappeared in less then a few days and never came back.  It was amazing!

Back Talk? Go Brain Dead.

Have you heard the phrase... "Don't add fuel to the fire?"  The principle of  "Going Brain Dead"  is even more effective (like a fire extinguisher).  It works this way.  When a child or teenager (or customer or anyone) is being verbally confrontive everything they are doing is calculated to do one thing - pull you in.  The most damaging thing you can do at this point is to give them control of the situation by engaging in their process.  Don't fight backtalk with backtalk.  The rule is simple.  If they mouth off, you disengage your brain which disengages your mouth and... well, it looks something like this.

Example:  The kids are home from school for awhile in the next weeks and perhaps the Christmas spirit does not prevail.  The siblings are on the warpath.

Adding Fuel to the Fire Way

Parent: Hey, you guys, that hurts my ears. I think a little bedroom time is in order. Feel free to comeback when you can act nicely.
Child 1: I didn't do anything.

Child 2: He hit me first.
Parent: I think you were both being mean.  How am I supposed to always know who hit who first?  Can't you just behave?
Child 1: I'm behaving.  He's not behaving.
Child 2: He should go to his room not me.
Parent: I want you both to go to your rooms now before I really start yelling!
Child 1:  This isn't fair
Parent:  Who said life is fair...

Well you get the idea.  The conversation may escalate and besides you have to think a whole lot to answer their complaints and may actually end up giving them more ammunition to use against you.  How about trying it this way...

Brain Dead Way

Parent:  Hey, you guys, that hurts my ears.  I think a little bedroom time is in order.  Feel free to comeback when you can act nicely.
Child 1:  I didn't do anything.
Child 2:  He hit me first.
Parent:  Silence.
Child 1:  We'll be good.
Child 2:  He should go to his room not me.
Parent: Silence  ( A gentle nonverbal hand pointing toward rooms would be okay)

Children may try to keep up the process.  It is okay also for a parent to use one repetitious statement over and over:  "I know" or  "You heard what I said."  instead of silence but DO NOT embellish beyond this.

So what if they don't go to their rooms?  Well its time for a delayed consequence...Simply say, "That was not a good decision, I'll have to do something."  Then... well, that's another blog post.

Blessings!

Whining Driving You Crazy?

Try the never fail  Love and Logic answer... lead with empathy!    The trick here is not engage a child in a discussion about whatever it is they are whining about.  Just say with as much sincere empathy as possible, "I know."  You don't have to think at all.   (Love and Logic calls it "going brain dead.")

Child: "I don't want to go shopping."
 Parent: "I know."

Child: "I hate this sweater!"

Parent: "I know."

Child:  "I don't want to do my homework."
Parent:  "I know."

Child: "I hate 'I know.'"

Parent: "I know."

A Great Time to Talk About Heaven

If you are a Christian... (or want to explain a Christian view of Christmas to your children)

Christmas is a wonderful time to talk about the reason Jesus came... so that the sins of all could human kind could be forgiven and we could one day be together in heaven.  One of  Jesus' names, Immanuel, means" God with us"  and is a poignant reminder that the God of the universe crossed the heavens to become one of us because He loved us and wanted to draw us closer to Him.

Sometime, if not this year, then some year, your children will face the death of a precious grandparent or friend.  It is no small thing to be able to share with them that God has prepared a place for each of us in heaven.  The Bible says "In my Father's house are many rooms." (John 14:2)  Actually, the King James translation says "mansions" - the point is that it is an awesome place and there is room for everyone.

So, how do you get there?  Christmas is a great time to explain to children that Jesus came to give us the gift of heaven.  We don't have to earn it.  We can't deserve it.  It's just a gift.  We receive it by faith.  And when we die, somehow, in some way, we go to be with Jesus in heaven on that very day.  ( Remember,Jesus said to the thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in paradise." (Luke 23:43)

I want that!

Most kids are in getting into full "want that" mode right now as Christmas ads, store displays and television marketing campaigns have a full impact!  It's to be expected.  Most of the time a no comment policy is not a bad way to go rather then constant lecturing.  I just wonder what would happen if we each took time with the children in our lives to do some sly "redirecting."  The goal here is not guilt but to open up the thinking process and create some great values based conversations.

"I want that!"

• It's beautiful.  If you could give that to anyone else but yourself, who would really love it?  Why?
• I wonder who would love to give that to you?  Why?  What would make you want to give someone a gift like that?
• If today was the last day on earth for us, what stuff would we need?
• Why do you think the Christmas story is about how God gave Jesus to the world instead of a bunch of stuff?
• Would you rather have  _______ or __________?  Why?
• world peace  or   an i-pod?
• feed a hungry family or buy 2 DVDs

Our local Nice Twice resale shop not only benefits needy families but is in constant need of donated items and volunteers.  So, here's a chance to involve your children in decluttering your house and personally taking a trip to deliver donated items.  At our resale shop children can do things like snip buttons off of shirts going to the rag bag so that the buttons can be reused.    Check with the manager, chances are your family could do an hour of volunteering together. You could simply deliver baked goods to say thank you to the volunteers who work there. The shop might also be willing to give you a tour and tell you what the money they raise goes for.

Our young adult children cringe at Christmas.  They want to be givers but have no money and have indicated they feel funny receiving in abundance when they cannot give.  So we've de-emphasized the whole giving thing in favor of time together.  I suspect the giving tradition may ramp up again if they ever get married and give me grandchildren.  :)

SLOWING

SLOWING - If you are like me and have children, a crazy busy life, or just feel a bit overwhelmed I have some ideas for us to consider.

• What would happen if we intentionally and thoughtfully slowed down life a bit for the next 30 days?
• What if we stayed home together a minimum of 4 nights a week?
• What if we totally limited adult and child technology time at home to 2 hours a day (computer, DVD, texting, video games, cell phones, etc...) and instead added in "chore chugging" (see earlier posts), gift making, baking, or some other together acitivity.
• What if we planned to sit together at the dinner table for a full 30 minutes. I might have to start with 20 minutes and an egg timer an add a minute a day. We could use the extra time to share highs and lows from the day, to tell about something we're each grateful for, to take turns sharing an affirmation about each person at the table, or share ideas for wacky inventions.... face time, relational time is the key here.
• What if I didn't go to most of the parties I'll be invited to?
• What if one day a week we put the car(s) in the garage and didn't go anywhere for anything?
• What if we didn't eat out at all for 4 weeks?
• What if I stayed home and didn't go to any Black Friday sales?

Thanksgiving Prep Today

Today would be a great day to involve your children in the process of preparing for the Thanksgivng meal or to be a good guest somewhere else.  Forget (as much as possible) about "perfection in look" and go for "involvement in the process."  Even if you want to do it all yourself, don't. You are training future hosts and hostesses and teaching your children to provide for other's needs.  It's NOT a good idea to train them to think adults exist to serve them.

If it's at your house:

• Making place cards is a great activity for early writers.  You might have to give them a list of names so they can copy the spelling. 
• If you're having a children's table let your children decorate it, set it up etc.
• Talk through how they can help tomorrow:  greeting guests at the door and taking their coats to a nearby bedroom to lay neatly on the bed, clearing the table after eating, delivering dessert, etc.
•  If there are very special toys that they might not want to share with children who will be coming, have them put those away today.
• Older children can be in charge of one recipe:  green bean casserole is an easy one.
• Tomorrow, make sure your children overhear you telling your guests how much they did and how proud you are of them.  (This is even better then praising them directly, I think.)
• Set the main table tonight.  But what if its your family dinner table?  Throw a big blanket on the floor for a pizza picnic tonight and breakfast nibbles tomorrow morning.  Then just pick it up in and take it outside to shake it out after breakfast.
• Have your techno wizard do a google search for beauthiful Thanksgiving prayers.  Have the children pick one to use before you eat tomorrow.
• Go to church tonight or tomorrow, together, and talk together about all you have to be grateful for.

If it's at someone else's house:

• Involve a child or two in what you're making to bring.  Have the child who helps you carry it tomorrow.  (You're creating ownership and involvement)
• Plan a hostess gift together and make it or purchase it today to take tomorrow.
• Sit down together and come up with a list of "good guest" ideas.  Ask questions to help them think this through.  Ask them which things on the list that they could do:  i.e. saying please and thank you, asking permission, asking to help, offering specific help (may I help you clear the dishes?)
• If they will be going somewhere that is not very child friendly encourage them to bring a toy or game to share with others.  Be careful here...a bookworm or gamer who withdraws to an anti-social corner and does not connect with others is a bit rude.  You might need to teach this etiquette.
• Sometimes children need help learning conversation skills.  Think together of conversation starters they could use:  What's your earliest Thanksgiving memory?  What recipe is a "must" on the menu as far as your concerned?  If you'll be watching football and your not a sports fan... atleast know who's playing and who the quarterbacks are.  Read together about them in the newspaper or online.
• Even if you will be with family, don't stay too long.  If the kids (or your spouse) get cranky take them home. :)  Staying too long is wearing on the hosts even if it's your Mom and Dad.

Happy Thanksgiving.  My prayer is that your memories of the day will be delightful.  Don't sweat the small stuff!

The Thanksgiving Home

Chances are you will be preparing for visitors (or planning to be guests at someone else's home next week).  So maybe it's time to apply some Love and Logic thinking to the holidays. 

Everyone Coming to Your House?
Love and Logic reminds us that we are running a home not a hotel.  So nobody gets room service and everybody pitches in!  The L&L philosophy also holds high the value of children learning competence and experiencing their valuable role in the family by helping out.  So, force yourself to think of all the ways you could be sharing the workload as the days the Thanksgiving approach.

CHORE CHUGGING
Remember that the process is more important then perfection!  Just get everyone involved and have some fun! A gazillion housecleaning chores can be shared... organize the family  for 15 minutes a day of  "CHORE CHUGGING" from now until next Thursday. 

Fill a bowl up with scraps of paper on which age appropriate jobs have been listed.  Call everybody together and set the timer for 15 minutes. (A little high energy music would not be amiss). 

The challenge? Pull out a slip, do the chore, and if you complete it pull out another slip... try to complete as many chores as you can in 15 minutes.  Do this 4 times before Thanksgiving and if you have a family of four that adds up to 4 full hours of housework done.  One idea might be to have small glasses (4 oz.) of sparkling apple juice lined up on the kitchen table near the chore slips... when you finish a chore, race back and chug a glass of cider before you grab your next chore slip.  The person who chugs the most glasses of juice wins!

Chore Chugging Ideas

• bleach wipe all the countertops in the bathroom
• scour a sink
• scrub a toilet
• strip all the pillow cases in the house and take them to the laundry room
• check every bathroom for a full roll of TP
• baseboard dusting
• dusting furniture in a room
• vaccuming a room
• wipe off cabinet fronts
• emptying all the garbage cans in every room in the house.
• outting new garbage bags in every garbage can
• shine all the faucets in the house
• sweep the front porch
• wash the patio door windows inside and out
• bleach wipe door handles
• shine the stainless steal flatware
• fold napkins

Next Post:  Involve everyone in meal preparation.

Say Yes to No.

From the folks at Media Wise (www.mediafamily.org):

Research proves it: "Self discipline is twice as strong a predictor of school success as intelligence. We need to help parents foster this trait."

Hmmm... the author speaks a lot about consistency in setting limits. This sounds like it might be very Love and Logic friendly.

These folks have a website named after a new book they just released called Say Yes to No. http://www.sayyestono.org/

Of course they are a little heavy on "enforcing consequences" when Love and Logic would use language like "allowing children to experience the consequences of their own choices." Howvever... consistency, not rescuing, helping kids learn responsible behavior... that's all Love and Logic!

Involving Everyone and Building Competence

Sometimes being proactive in planning, can prevent problems. Recently an inter-generational group of friends and family gathered to build a deck and ramp to assist an an older couple with accessibility to their home.

In advance, the process of working together and involving everyone was established as being as important as finishing the project. Children and adults without skills would be taught them by those who had the skills. Little ones who participated for awhile but then lost interest could be involved in something else.

Children as young as 4 and adult men and women who'd never used a saw, a level, a jig, or screw gun in their life helped. They learned quickly. The experience built confidence and made both children and adults feel empowered. 3 cheers go to the expert builders (Joe, and Mike, and Fred) among us who caught the spirit and taught patiently. Safety was taught and modelled too (You don't see the safety glasses, gloves, and other equipment in the pictures but they were there and they were used.)

The kids helped and played and helped and played in spurts but also learned skills and saw amazing adult modeling! There was little whining for attention because they were involved.

Sometimes it might seem easier and faster to not involve everyone but it is less beneficial in the long run.

Don't tell your kids what to do...?

That's right. Love and Logic says don't tell your kids what to do, just tell them what you're going to do.

To a college student who is taking academics lightly.
Mom and I reimburse tuition for classes that are completed with a grade of C or better.

To a child who's always late.
The car leaves at 7:30 am.

To a student whose homework is always late:
I grade assignments that are handed in on time.

To a child whose yelling at you.
I listen to voices that are calm.

To a child who drove and came home late.
(Wait until the next time they want to use the care and then lead with empathy and say:) I allow people to use my car who I can trust to keep their word about being home on time.

Of course, all of the above statements assume that you will not lecture or threaten. You will allow your child to think about what you said without over taliking to them. You will indeed be willing to follow through even if they throw a fit.

Love and Logic on Twitter and Facebook

Love and Logic Insitute Inc. is on Facebook! Just go to www.facebook.com/pages/Love-and-Logic-Institute-Inc/89984842758
(Fast answers to questions and referals to resources.)

It's on Twitter too!
http://twitter.com/loveandlogic

One Mom's Victory!

This week a Love and Logic mom sent me a story about her victory. The story involved one of those common altercations pre-schoolers can have with other children that can be so frustrating to moms. The children involved had done some hitting and kicking but this mother's child had lied about being involved. She did a lot of things right but near the end of her narrative came these words:

She said, "I was so proud of myself for not yelling, not taking the lying personally, not lecturing, and not over-verbalizing."

YES!!!!!

• Love and Logic is non-anger based because this helps children to focus on their own behaviour instead of on the other person's anger.
• Love and Logic reminds adults to limit explaining because over-explaining communicates to children that we don't think they are smart enough to figure it out.
• Not taking a child's misbehavior personally is about letting them own their own problems and come up with solutions to them or simply to learn from the consequences.

Parents tell me all the time that Love and Logic makes them feel empowered - me too!

Empathy - It's Pure Gold!

Some Definitions

Sincere Sincere - open and genuine; not deceitful, not fake or counterfeit, true, being or occurring in fact or actuality

Empathy -the ability to sense and understand someone else's feelings as if they were one's own [Greek empatheia affection, passion],

A Skill to Master

Probably the very first skill to master in Love and Logic is this ability to be sincerely empathetic. Empathy and anger do not mix. Empathy and sarcasm don't mix. You cannot be empathetic and sarcastic at the same time. Sarcasm is a cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound or to make someone (your child) the butt of contempt or ridicule. It has no place in healthy parenting (or healthy marriage relationships for that matter)

Empathy can be learned. It takes a willingness to practice mastery over both our mouths and our emotions. My Mom used to tell us as kids that it was important to engage our brains before we opened our mouths. She was right... but the part of the brain to engage is not the brain stem (the seat of anger, and emotion and fight or flight response) but the frontal lobe (logical thought). That's what sincere empathy does both for us and for our children. It moves thinking to the right part of the brain so that children can think about their actions instead focusing on our anger..

How to Practice Empathy

1. Pick one empathetic phrase that you feel comofortable using ("Rats!" "That's never good!" "Oh Man!")
2. Practice saying it sincerely.
3. Use the same empathetic phrase in every discipline situation leading with empathy before locking in consequences. This lets your child know that you really do understand their feelings when they make a bad decision - that you "feel for" them.

Voluntary Servitude

When do you do too much for your kids?

You just love them. You want to make sure they know that! So, over the years you have cut the crusts off their sandwiches, dutifully delivered lunches when they forgot them, helped with homework, and generally gone out of your way to be a good parent! You even let a certain amount of verbal abuse go by... because well, you love them and it takes energy to fight all the time so you "pick your battles."

Isn't that okay?

The real question is are you raising a child who will be able to fully and completely take over their life somewhere between he ages of 16 and 18? That means they need to be able to handle life with out you...

• Handle money knowing they won't be rescued or given loans if they overspend.
• Do their own laundry.
• Cook simple meals for themselves and others.
• Handle homework on their own.
• Take the car to get the oil changed or change it themselves if money is tight.
• Do their own college applications,
• Pay for their own parking and speeding tickets.
• Keep track of their own schedules knowing when they have to be somewhere.
• Share chores with their roommates.
• Treat others with courtesy and contribute positively to relationships.

So, this level of responsibility starts now. Serving children too much retards their growth and ends up damaging self esteem as they struggle with competence.

Loving parents help kids be ready for the real world instead of trying to protect them from it. If you have been doing too much for your kids now is the time to slowly start backing away. Start by teaching a skill (like laundry or meal preparation or keeping a calendar) and then let them use that skill with real world consequences when they fail.

Are You a "Grill" sergeant?

Are you a "Grill" Sergeant?

If you find yourself asking 20 (or 40) questions and getting few answers from your children at the end of the day then maybe it's time to stop "grilling".

Dr. Charles Fay suggest using this technique to get kids to talk:

1. Avoid all temptations to ask any questions for the first 30 minutes after school.
2. Instead, talk with excitement and enthusiasm about your own day. Model the things you wish they would talk to you about:

Example:
Hi guys! I am so glad to see you. Guess what happened to me today.... I learned.... and then before I went home I heard that.... I just could not wait to tell you about my day. I hope you had an awesome day too!

Dr. Fay suggest you try this for 2 months without any grilling and sooner or later you'll find one of your kids saying... "Guess what happened to me today?"
This also works great with spouses and in-laws.

I learned something else at my Chiropractor's office. They must have been fed up with the negative attitudes and complaining of their patients because all of a sudden they began greeting us with questions geared to channel our thoughts in a more positive direction. "What good things are happening in your life?" It worked on me and at the time I was doing gruelling physical therapy after a fall resulting in 2 broken elbows. Focusing on the positive was helpful. We can all use this technique as we talk with our families to minimize useless grumbling and complaining. (You can do it and still steer away from grilling by talking about your day in positive ways.)

Homework

School has started and homework is once again a reality or soon will be. I have such mixed feelings about homework.

Too much?
I have seen thoughtless or inexperienced teachers assign way too much of it and that's bad! I have seen poor disciplinarians punish a class with loads of homework to "keep them busy."

When I was a brand new teacher years ago I assigned all the problems in the book. I thought that's what they were there for. When loving and concerned parents pointed out that 25 long division problems could take hours to do... I felt horrible. It was a painful lesson but a valuable one. Later a wise principal reinforced the lesson by asking me how much practice was enough? If I had taught clearly and they could perform the task and answer the questions - was their a need for overkill? Finally, God gave me the blessing of a child with learning challenges and I became the parent trying to be an advocate for that child with teachers I was scared to death of.

Is there a rule?
In one of his books I picked a rule from James Dobson that helped me as a teacher and a parent. A child should have 1o minutes of homework a night per grade in school. S0: 1st grade? 10 minutes. 5th grade? 50 minutes. You get the idea.

Even Dr. Dobson explained that he had to negotiate with teachers for less homework because he wanted their to be time for his children to be children and for family time at night too. I learned for the sake of my children and our family to be an advocate for the right amount of homework but those conversations with teachers were tough.

Before you call the teacher...

• Make sure your child has enough time at home to do homework; the right supplies; and the right amount of sleep. If your child or your family is over scheduled that's where you need to put the breaks on first.
• If you are a helicopter (hovering) when it comes to homework, checking to make sure it is done, making your child does it over and over until every problem or answer is correct then consider that you could be damaging your child's self esteem, retarding their ability to develop competence, and perhaps even creating an anxiety ridden college student of the future. Homework is their job. They need to learn from their mistakes and be responsible for their own workload. Do you really want to train them to believe that they cannot be competent without your presence over their shoulder?
• If at all possible, it is a life skill to learn to deal with difficult people and situations. As much as possible help your child develop strength of character by owning and solving this problem themselves. Practice with them questions they can ask, skills they can learn, things they can say.
• Ask around quietly to see if other parents are having homework problems with the same teacher. If their children are doing fine then it's time to investigate other issues.

More coming.

Moving Night Bedtime Earlier....

Back to school and the tricky business of moving bedtime earlier when it's still light out for a long time...

Drill Sergeants usually just say something like, "School starts this week so we're going to bed 15 minutes earlier every night. No whining or I'll give you something to wine about!"


Helicopter Parents might say, "That's okay honey. I know its hard to adjust to getting up earlier. I'll call your teacher the first few days and let her know why we'll be late."

Love and Logic options include

• Offering Choices that you can live with: "School starts in 4 days. Do you want to start going to bed 1 hour earlier starting tonight or would you rather just move bedtime back 15 minutes earlier each night for the next 4 nights?"
• Use a problem solving approach. School starts in a four days. Do you think it will be hard to get up earlier? How do you want to handle this? (Remember, this approach involves you offering options that other kids have tried, and letting kids learn by making the wrong choice. )
• Enforceable Statements: "Breakfast is on the table from 7-7:30. Feel free to eat as much as you want to get you through to lunch. " or " The car leaves the driveway at 7:45. If you don't make ot don't worry. I'll leave the taxi number by the phone. It's only $15.00." No rescuing -You have to be willing to let your children figure out how to pay for things if you go this direction. Talk with a friend, figure out all the things that might go wrong and plug the holes BEFORE you try a technique.

Sorry It Will Be Sparse for a Bit

It's the time of year when people like me are spending mega hours getting ready for fall kick offs of.... well, everything! So, I'll be posting less. Take heart though one of the things I'm getting ready for is a new round of Love and Logic classes. If you want to send me your e-mail and I'll put you on the mailing list.

Becoming a Love and Logic Parent - 7 Weeks - Starts Sunday, September 20, 5:30-7:30 PM with great programming for kids as part of Club 66 at Zion Lutheran Church & School, 1810 McClintock Ave, Belleville, IL 62221. 618-233-2299, E: JHasstedt@zionbelleville.org

What's needed? Being Organized...

For the most part as children get older they need to figure out their own organization system to help get everything they need to where they need it. It's often more of a training issue then one of discipline. Would you like to know what some other parent's have tried?

Packing for a Family Vacation - Teaching Young Children (This could be a project worked on over several days so give yourself time.)

1. Advance preparation - Some parents of younger children have used a digital camera to take pictures of the things that are important to pack for a trip creating a pictorial check list. The child can circle things when they are packed. But for older children, one family checklist of general things everyone should can be used by all.
2. Modelling: The parent then uses the check list for themselves as they make a big production about packing. They let their child overhear them say things like, "I always make a list when I travel. I forget the silliest things sometimes. What if I forgot my toothbrush? My teeth would be dirty and I'd have a stinky mouth? What if I forgot my clothes? I'd have to go naked or wear dirty clothes! That would be embarrassing! But I'm not worried -I have my list."
3. Ask for Assistance: "Would you help me check if I have everything? If I forget something would you tell me so I can put it on my list?" A smart parent might make sure they have forgotten something big that the child might notice like a toothbrush or pants. It's also good to make the time you spend on this short and fun and thank them for their help. (One dad made sure he let his child overhear him telling someone later what a big help they were on the packing project.)
4. Offer Assistance. "Sometimes parents pack for their kids but I think you're big enough to pack on your own. Do you think you need a list? Do you want to use mine? " This is a great time to ask questions like, "I think maybe children's checklists might be different than parent's check lists... what would be different?"
5. Teaching kids to do their own packing is great. Just be prepared for some mishaps when you have gotten to the point where you turn over packing to them completely. They'll have some great opportunities to learn from their mistakes and you can be ready with a problem solving technique to empower them.

7th grade son: Mom, I forgot underwear.

Mom: Well that's never good. I guess that got missed on your check list. How are you going to handle that?

7th grade son: I don't know.

Mom: Would you like to know what some other kid's have tried?

7th grade son: I guess.

Mom: Some kids wear yesterday's underwear until their mom can take them to a store to buy some clean stuff. Some kids borrow underwear from their dad until their mom can get to a store with them. Some kids just wash out the pair they have every night and hang it up to dry in the shower so they can wear clean undies the next say.

7th grade son: Dad's are way too big but at least they're clean.

Mom: Okay. We'll look for a store after breakfast. How do you plan to pay for them?

(Okay I know this is a whole other lesson but after all if you forgot your undies you'd have to buy your own. Real world consequences are what we're after here. By the way, some 7th grade boys will never tell their parents about this little issue and go without. It's one of those growing up things that horrifies moms. )