No Anger, Lectures or Threats...

" Children who associate mistakes with anger quickly learn to avoid

doing anything remotely challenging."

From: Parenting Kid to Become the People Employers Really

Want and America Desperately Needs.

Charles Fay, Love and Logic Press, 2009

$17.95 800-338-4065

Anger, lectures and threats are often the "go to" parenting tools we use when our kids misbehave because they are the ones we saw modelled by our parents or because we don't have any other tools in the tool box to go to... so we use what we have.

To quote Dr. Phil, "How's that working for you." Maybe a better question is, How's that working for your kids? How does it feel in terms of the quality of relationships in your home?

Never Fear. It is NEVER to late to add some new tools to the tool box. What can you go to instead?

1st: Replace anger with sincere empathy by remembering just one empathetic statement:"This is so sad" or "Oh my." Why? This literally moves your thinking and theirs from the brain stem (fight or flight) to the frontal lobe (logical thought). Now that everyone is"thinking" instead of "reacting"...

2nd: Go to other tools: delayed consequences; enforceable statements; the Uh OH Song; or a strategic training session; Don't worry I'll be talking about these things in upcoming posts! Don't forget to comment or send me questions. I get an automatic e mail and I will respond via the blog. If you want to connect personally contact me at JHasstedt@zionbelleville.org. I am not an expert but I am a fellow parent and I do have connections...to Love and Logic :)

How Late Should They Stay Out?

It's light until 9:00 or a little later, you live in a safe neighborhood. Your 9, 10, or 11 year old loves roaming freely and staying outside as late as possible. Is that okay?

Multiple concerns and skills come into play here. Here are some things to consider?

1. Are the kids outside supervised or unsupervised. Being at a friend's house next door with parents home is a bit different then roaming the neighborhood.
2. Is the age span of the children outside narrow? Beware of a 16 year old boy and a 12 or 13 year old girl. Three 11 year old girls giggling on the front porch is great.
3. If its after dark, consider the rule being that an adult walks you home or calls to say you are on your way. Talk to your neighbors about a common policy.
4. As always, L&L would suggest offering choices: "Do you want to come in now or in 15 minutes?" " Do you want to come in now and join the family for ice cream or come in later and head right to the shower before bed."
5. Some families prefer together time for an hour at the end of the day... a time to wind down together. Do you want family time to be at 8:00 or 8:30?
6. Some families say, "Be on our property after 8:30 and inside by 9:00 pm. OR, "Feel free to stay up a late as you want as long as you are inside and can get up at 6:30 am to help Mom get the little one's ready for daycare."
7. If Friday night is a stay up late night for Mom and Dad, plan some fun outside activities in the yard with friends (Oh the thrill of flashlight tag!).
8. What if they come in late? Be prepared to go "brain dead" if they argue. This cold also be the time for a "delayed consequence" or an "energy drain."

Adapting to Love and Logic

I value the advice parenting advice from Focus on the Family. A recent article of their website is worth noting. I am including the link below. (You may have to cut and paste it into a search engine.)
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_biblical_discipline/creative_discipline_ideas.aspx

But here's the thing... sometimes the ideas are awesome but don't match a Love and Logic philosophy without a bit of tweaking. So, I thought I'd take the ideas from the linked article and adapt them to L&L so you can see how that works.

Topic: Messiness

Focus on the Family: "Here's a solution for a perpetually messy bedroom: Explain to your child, "I cannot bear to look at this room anymore — it's too messy! I'm going to turn off the circuit breaker so I can't see it. When it's clean enough for me to tolerate, let me know and I'll turn your power back on." "

Love and Logic
Parent: "This is so sad. It hurts my eyes to look at a messy room. I'm going to have to do something about that. I don't know what yet. try not to worry." (A little while later shut off the breaker to that room)

When your child complains about no electricity you can say, "I know. I utrned off the circuit breaker so I didn't have to see the messy room because it hurts my eyes. Just let me know when I can flip it back on."

Not much difference? There really isn't but I tweaked it so that the parent could lead with empathy before locking in consequences. Also, I used the delayed consequence technique and further clarified that the parent was saying "what they would do" not telling the child what they had to do. (To move thinking from the brain stem to frontal lobe.)

More in 2 days! Take care!

Energy Drain

There's been a week long heat wave (95-100 in both temps and humidity!) in the St. Louis area so somehow talking about the Energy Drain Technique seemed appropriate.

Kids stump us. So next time you are stumped try losing all your energy and see what happens.

Example: Children fighting with one another in the car or at home

Mom (leading with empathy): "Oh Man...

Mom: (stating the problem): "When you guys fight like that it just drains all my energy. " (This would be a good time if you are at home to stop what you are doing and lie on the couch)

Mom: (stating the consequence either delayed or immediate): "I know I told you we were going to stop for ice cream on the way home, but now I just don't have the energy for that." One Mom I know just drove home , didn't stop at DQ and didn't tell the kids all her energy was gone until after they said, "Hey, what about ice cream?"

The next step is follow through. As the children complain loudly, you can simply and empatheticly say "I know. I wanted to stop for ice cream too." One important thing to remember is to not to explain why you made the decision you did. They really are smart enough to figure it out. Also, do not warn them before you use this technique. Love and Logic teaches parents not to use warnings, threats, or lectures. Sometimes when it comes to words. less is more!

Follow up: Now comes the next step.... you might not have energy to do anything for the kids until they put some energy back in you.

How do they out energy back in to you? Dusting, cleaning a bathroom; swiffering the kitchen floor; having cereal for supper so you don't have to cook; using their allowance to pay for a babysitter so you can rest; giving you a neck rub and bringing you a glass of cold ice tea... etc.

Calmly Following Through with Consequences

Parenting by Design is a Love and Logic friendly web site for anyone also looking for a biblical connection to Love and Logic. Since the moms and I talked a lot in class the last two days about empathy, "going brain dead" and using fewer words I was excited when I saw today's e-mail devotion. So, I am sharing it with you so that you:


Numbers 14:18: "The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished..." (NIV).

What prevents you from calmly following through with consequences when your kids sin or rebel? I resisted giving consequences because I wanted to avoid angry responses such as: "Chill, mom!" "You're mean." Or, "I'll do it later." Instead, I tried reasoning with them, but this usually backfired. I tried arguing my point, but the more I talked, the angrier they seemed to become. I was hiding behind words (nagging, reminding and arguing) to avoid giving consequences.

When you receive an angry response, don't escalate the situation by nagging or replying in anger. Words are easy. You may think you are being "strong" when you argue your point forcefully or make dictatorial decrees, but the truth is it takes more strength to restrain your tongue and give consequences calmly and with empathy. That is a model of real strength. Confront rebellion calmly and deliver consequences, rather than words. "

You can visit http://www.parentingbydesign.com/ for more resources to help you parent by God's perfect design.

17 Moms in New Class

Awesome morning with 17 amazing Moms as we started worked through the first session of Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun. Today we learned about the value of "Going Brain Dead" and then about the magic of leading with empathy and locking it in before consequences.

Going Brain Dead is a great little skill. It asks us NOT to focus on what our children are saying in those moments when they want to engage us in arguing. Instead reply kindly with a phrase like "I know" or "I guess it seems that way." The trick is to keep with the phrase and not let yourself lose your cool or engage in arguing with your child. They might still get angry but you don't have to.

Example:

Child: Mom, could I go over to Adam's house?
Mom: Sure. Feel free to go to Adam's as soon as you pick up your toys.
Child: I want to go now.
Mom. I know.
Child: I don't want to pick up my toys
Mom: I know
Child: You are the meanest Mom
Mom: I guess it seems that way.

New Class! All in One Week! June 22-26,

(9:00 AM - 11:00)

Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun

On the Campus of

Zion Lutheran Church

1810 McClintock Ave.

Belleville, Illinois 62221

Take all 5 sessions in one week with great programming for your children at Gadget's Garage (Vacation Bible School) from 9:00 AM - Noon. (The parenting class ends at 11:00, so you have an hour to run errands or chat with friends! )


Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun (ECPMF) is perfect for parents with children from 6 months to 6 years of age! I will not be posting regularly for the next 2 weeks as I prepare for new classes. But please search older posts and let anyone in the Metro East area of St Louis know that Love and Logic's ECPMF can be taken all in one week, June 22-26,


Cost: $35 individual or $50 per couple (split payments and financial assistance available)


Coupon Code: Register by June 15th using the coupon code ECPMF2009 and get $15.00 off!

Contact: Jill Hasstedt, JHasstedt@zionbelleville.org, 618-233-2299 (I can e-mail you a registration form :))

Childcare: Children who will be 3 by September 1 can join in Gadget's Garage: a week of Bible stories, games, snacks, crafts, and music. If you are attending the parenting class and have an infant or toddler we have a nursery class for them (singing, walks, and playtime included). Smaller infants mat attend class with a parent if you do not feel comfortable leaving them in the nursery.

Safe in the Car

Mark and Theresa's Story (from the archive)

(Skill used: Strategic Training Sessions, taught in Module 5 of Becoming a Love and Logic Parent.)


My husband, Mark, our daughter, and I were traveling through St. Louis on our way home from the airport. Our daughter decided to protest that we did not securely strap her teddy bear into the extra car seat. She protested by taking off her seat belt. I was horrified but I calmly said, "Please put your seat belt back on. We are travelling on a busy interstate and you are not safe." She put on her seat belt.

When we arrived home my husband and I knew we had to come up with a plan to teach her never to unlatch her car seat again. It took us 2 hours to discuss many scenarios before we came up with something. We decided one-by one to to "run 10 minute errands" telling her, "We would love to take you but we can't because we are so fearful that you will not be safe because you might not stay securely fastened in your car seat."

Our "errands" consisted of trips to McDonald's and to the home of our daughter's best friend. She was upset when she could not go along with me and could not see her best friend. When I returned from my errand, her daddy started an activity with her and then announced that he needed to go pick up a gallon of milk and would stop on the way home to pick up some McDonaldland cookies. Both my daughter (and I) were even more upset when he returned home with the empty Cookie bag.

She learned her lesson. The next time we drove somewhere, we arrived at our destination and she excitedly announced, "Mommy, Daddy, I am safe!" as she pointed to her fastened seat belt.

Note: Mark and Theresa did not ruin their strategic plan by using anger, lecturing or explaining.

New Class coming June 22-26, 2009 during Vacation Bible School so your kids can have a blast while you do to! Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun, at Zion Lutheran Church, 1810 McClintock Ave, Belleville, IL 62221. (VBS is 9-Noon, ECPMF is 9:00-11:00 AM)

Bedtime 101-2

Ritual is important!

Following the same pattern every night trains both body and brain to prepare for sleep and creates a feeling of security and safety for children. Every family can develop their own rituals but one possible pattern might look like this. (You're getting a glimpse into a classic Christian family here. )

• Start the ritual 1 hour before the time you want a child to be asleep. This is the time for baths and tooth brushing. (Remember to give lots of choices!) (Parents using this model would need to set their own tasks aside, turn off the TV, game stations, telephones, and texting, and be present and in the moment with their child.)



• If older children have a later bed time then younger children, this helps you have time with each child.
  
• After bath time, comes story time (younger children) or talk time if a child is older and now reads by themselves for awhile before sleep.


• Spend a few moments discussing something good that happened that day in the child's life. (One family learned the value of this during a tough year after a stressful move to a place that was a bad fit for the whole family. There anxious little boy could not think of any good things that happened during a day as he picked up the negative vibes of the adults in his life. So the parents began focusing on the good things in each day and all they had to be grateful for.)


• End the day in prayer and never let the sun set on your anger. For our family this prayer was often a memorized one passed on for 3 generations: Jesus Savior wash away/ All that has been wrong today./Help me everyday to be/Good and gentle more like thee. No grudges. All "sorrys" said before going to sleep. Forgiveness granted and received. Setting this pattern leads to peaceful sleep and great relationships.
  
• Light's out and in bed is the rule. Some children may need music or have a "15 minutes of reading time ritual" but at some point it must be quiet and dark. They don't have to go to sleep. It's impossible to enforce that. If the "I can't sleep" complaint comes up, try saying, "That's okay, just lie quietly with your eyes closed and think about happy things. Your body is still getting rest. You don't have to sleep if you don't want to."

Bedtimes 101-1 (from the Archive)

Bedtimes were always one of our favorite times with our 2 guys. That doesn't mean there weren't challenging moments. Some of the rituals we started with them were ones that lasted well into their teen years giving us an amazing end of the day connection. Some of the rituals were one's we'd learned from our parents but some were new to our little family.

Some Assumptions

• Ritual is comforting to children at bedtime and helps bring them to a quiet place for restful sleep. Doing the same thing every night is a healthy sleep preparation habit.
• "Never let the sun set on your anger." Bedtime was a good time to let it all go, forgive any hurts, and end the day in love.
• Focus on and list the blessings or good things of the day. Be grateful
• Reading and made up story time is fun at bedtime
• This should not be a hurried part of the day.
• Praying at the end of the day lays all worries and concerns where they belong, with God, and is a precious and intimate time with your child.

I should give you a heads up if you are reading this and do not have a Christian framework. The next few postings will reveal this. I think the info will still be very useful to everyone but I didn't want to ambush anyone who wasn't Christian. Jill H.

Should We Let Infants "Cry it Out" at Bedtime?

(Have you gone to www.loveandlogic.com and signed up for the Insider's Club newsletter? This is the Insider's Club message from May 13. It's also a way to get discounts! Dr. Jim Fay wrote the following article.)

"Don't Let Your Baby "Cry It Out
There's nothing more important during the first two years of a child's life than feeling the love and comfort of one's parents! Some folks worry about "spoiling" their babies. They think, "If we hold her too much she'll be needy." Others fret, "He'll never learn how to calm himself down if we comfort him too much when he cries." Some even argue, "Well, he's just trying to get his way when he cries."

THESE ARE MYTHS! It's impossible to spoil a baby by holding them too much, comforting them when they cry, or giving them too much attention. This nurturing and love teaches us to nurture and love. As a result, we feel bad when we act badly. We have a strong conscience that guides our way. What's our advice for parenting tots younger than two? Smile at them as much as possible, comfort them when they cry, hold them with loving arms, whisper sweet stuff in their ears, and let them see how much fun you're having. As they begin to need more limits, you'll begin to see a child who loves you too much to rebel with much force. "

Jill's LoveandBlogic Addition: Sleep training is different them letting children "cry it out." You can walk back into a bedroom where a little one is crying for your attention at bed time and comfort them, kiss them, say soothing words and not pick them up before leaving. Then you return as needed at longer and longer intervals 1 minute, 3 minutes,5 minutes etc. Often called Ferberizing (after Dr. Ferber who wrote about it), this breaks a child gently of depending on Mom or Dad's presence in order to go to sleep.

New Series on Bedtime!

I get so many questions about bedtime. I am going to review all my old posts on this and reschedule them with some tweaking for a new series on this blog.

BUT... I just got a GREAT question from a Mom...

"Not sure I am understanding- Love and Logic does not agree with BEDTIME?" - They refer to quiet time -Being a mother for 14 years + lots of years of raising children.... I don't really agree with this .... confused...."

This is my opportunity to remind you what Love and Logic says... experiment. Not every technique will work for you or fit your strongly held beliefs. You don't have to use those.

So does Love and Logic believe in bedtime?

You'll find me incorporating many sources on bedtime. It is true that when children are older Love and Logic says you can't control whether or not a child actually goes to sleep. (Actually adults can't go to sleep on command either.)

At some point it is also important to have them be in control of their own bed time and learn to deal with the consequences of being tired and not being able to function well. This means you can't rescue them by allowing them to get up later or lie to the school for them. If they choose to stay up late Thursday studying for that big Chemistry test and then to sleep in on Friday - the Saturday detention is their problem to deal with.

Having said that there is a ton of research out there on good sleep hygiene and most experts suggest it is a parent's job when children are younger to help them learn about that and develop good patterns.

Look for more posts the next few weeks on bedtime. With the days getting longer and summer schedules changing bedtimes it's a good time to review. Remember, if you comment, I will respond via a post asap. Just click on the word comment under a post. :)

Teens and Money 4

TRUE STORY:

Teen: "Mom, I bought a new jacket and I didn't budget enough for lunches this week. You don't want me to go hungry do you?

Mom: "Oh Man. I don't want you to go hungry. Don't worry. We have a lot of peanut butter and jelly. Feel free to make yourself a sandwich any day."

Teen: "Only geeks bring their lunch."

Mom: "Well, I am sure you'll come up with a solution. At least it's not a long term problem. I give allowance on Saturdays."

Years Later: "Mom remember that time I needed lunch money and you wouldn't give me an advance on my allowance. I'd been playing poker and I lost my whole allowance. I couldn't tell you the truth. I was so hungry all week and I couldn't even do anything with my friends. I never did that again. It pretty much cured me of gambling. I was so mad at you but it was one of the best things you could have done."

Teens and Money 3

How much should you give a teen for allowance?

"A teens allowance should be enough to cover most regular activities, but not much more than that." (Parenting Teens with love and Logic, Cline and Fay, p. 253)

It could include

• school lunches
• movies or snacks with friends
• birthday presents for friends and relatives
• field trips

and might even include

• clothing
• school supplies

Don't forget, they could or even should be earning some money on their own and some of their expenses should can be covered by that.

Parental; backbone tip: "Stick to the rule for yourself that "When it is gone it is gone!" No advances, loans, etc.

Teens and Money 2

So you have established an allowance. You pay it out on Saturday mornings. But it is Friday night and your teen has run out of money. Some friends have invited them to go to a movie and the following conversation ensues...

Teen: "Mom, I ran out of money. Can I just borrow some and you can take it out of my allowance tomorrow?"

Mom: " I am so sorry. I give allowance on Saturday. Maybe you could use the money you have set aside for clothes and then pay yourself back?"

Teen: "I already used that."

Mom: "Rats. Well don't worry, I pay out allowances on Saturday."

Teen: "But what about tonight. I need to go to the movies and I don't have any money."

Mom: I am so sorry, but I will definitely give out your allowance on Saturday.

You get the drift. The teen may not be happy but they will learn a lesson about budgeting to make the $$$ supply last longer. In the process they'll also learn the important skill of delayed gratification. The Mom did not lecture, warn, or rescue. (Notice how important it is to establish the rule of paying an allowance at the same time every week.)

Teens and Money 1

"There is really no clearer indicator of responsibility and self control than how teens handle their money." (Parenting teens with Love and Logic, Cline and Fay, p.251)

Believe it or not, the best way to help young teens be responsible with money is to give them more - in the form of an allowance.

• First figure out what you are already paying for (that you feel is a valid expense). Include lunch money ($4 per day?); personal spending ($5 per week); some parents include a clothing allowance for the year broken down into weekly increments... work this out together with your teen but be realistic about your family budget too.
• Next set up the same boundaries you have for paydays. Pay the allowance on a regular day and time. No advances allowed and you are not a credit lending institution.
• Love and Logic recommends NOT tying allowance to chores. Chores are what everybody in the family contributes to the family. (However, if a teen does not do their chores and you need to pay someone else to do them, that can be deducted from their allowance without warning them in advance.)

More soon...

Thanks MOPS!

A very special thank you to women in the MOPS group at Grace Church in Fairview Heights, IL. I loved being with you to share a little bit about Love and Logic. You were very warm and welcoming! I hope you'll share your "Uh Oh Song" experiences with me via the comment option you can find under any post.

If this is your first time visiting this blog...

• I hope you'll consider subscribing and or becoming a follower of the Blog
• Look left and find the archives drop down menu. This blog is almost a year old now and there are many posts appropriate for almost any age group: babies, toddlers, middle schoolers, teens or even for young adult children.

If you have suggestions, ideas, or critiques of the BLOG I would love to hear them really. I am still learning to do this well and I value any help you can give me with that.

More on teens tomorrow!

Consequences, Leading with Empathy and Problem Solving

Teens have better self esteem when they learn to be responsible for their actions. That means learning that they are responsible for the consequences of their own actions. Parents have a great deal to do with making sure teens can connect the dots between actions and consequences.

Parents who have learned to lead with empathy (rather then anger, lecture, or threats have also seen the dramatic difference this makes in who the teen focuses their attention upon. When a teen gets an empathetic response to a problem or situation, their energy goes into thinking about the situation. When a teen is met with anger, threats, or lectures, their energy goes into a defensive "fight or flight response" directed at the person who is angry at them rather then at the problem

Example:
The Angry Version

Teen: Dad, I used my cell phone at school today and it got taken away.

Dad: You know that's against the school rules. What were you thinking? Let's review what that cell phone is for and who pays for it - me! Do you know how many hours I have to work just to pay this family's cell phone bill? You're grounded mister!

Teen: (Stomps off in anger after dropping a few choice words in disrespect. His focus in on his angry parent.)

Leading with Empathy (followed by Problem Solving)

Teen: Dad I used my cell phone at school today and it got taken away.

Dad: Oh Man! I bet that was frustrating. What are you going to do about that?

Teen: A parent can pick it up. I was wondering if you could get it when you drop me off in the morning.

Dad: It's Tuesday today. I have a tight schedule in the mornings for the rest of the week. I've been working late too. The first time I can get in to the school office will probably be Monday.

Teen: But I need my phone. My friends will be texting me.

Parent: I know. That's going to be hard. I will definitely do my best to get in to pick it up on Monday.

Teen: (Focuses more anger on self for getting the phone taken away because anger is less focused the on parent.)

Note that no other consequence is applied. No anger is used. No threats. The father has already arranged for the phone to be out of his teen's hands for a week by not picking it up. He might also decide on the weekend to spring a surprise additional consequence (without any warnings in advance) such as, "I am so sorry. I know you want to go out with your friends but you don't have your cell phone and one of the reasons we want you to have a phone is so you can call us anytime if an emergency comes up. I would just worry too much knowing you were out there without it."

Natural consequences replace the need for other kinds. Consequences that are not immediate may actually have a greater effect.

Teaching Teens to Solve Their Own Problem

First let me say that I know this is VERY hard to do!

• It's hard on "helicopter" parents who show their love by doing everything for their child.
• It's hard on "drill sergeant" parents who tell their children what to do and when to show their love.

It is hard to let go, stop doing things for our children, or give up control... BUT in a few short years they have to be able to function on their own. Why not let them practice now while the consequences are relatively small.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

Situation: Student stays up late to complete a paper he left to the last minute.

The Helicopter Parent

Student: Mom, I stayed up late to finish a paper last night. Can you call the school and tell them I'm sick so I can sleep in?

Mom: Sure honey. You do need your sleep. Do you want me to run the paper into school for you? Should I take an early lunch at work and drive you to school? Do you want me to call your teacher?

The Drill Sergeant Parent

Student: Mom I stayed up late to finish a paper last night. Can you call the school and tell them I'm sick so I can sleep in?

Mom: Heck no! Get your butt out of bed. I don't care how tired you are. No one in this family is going to be a slacker! (Followed by a 15 minute lecture about planning ahead and not leaving things to the last minute.)

The Consultant Parent

Student: Mom I stayed up late to finish a paer last night

Mom: (Leading with sincere empathy) Oh Man! I bet you're exhausted.

Student. I am. Will you call me in sick so I can sleep in?

Mom: Nice try. I have this personal rule against lying to the school but I can see why you'd want to sleep in. What are you going to do about this? (Note how she doesn't tell her child what he should do. She says what she will do and hands the problem back to the person who owns it.)

Student: I don't know. I have 14 tardies already. If I get one more I'll get a half day Saturday detention.

Mom: (Leadng with empathy again!) That would be the pitts! Would you like to know what some other kids have done in this situation?

Student: What?! (Grumbling tone)

Mom: Some kids were really so tired they stayed home and took the Saturday detention. Other kids just toughed it out and made it through the day and then crashed when they got home. Some kids tough it our but try to eat a really good breakfast with protein so they have some extra fuel to run on.

Student: Some kids have parents who will call them in sick!

Mom: Yeah I know. You don't have one of those. Let me know what you decide.

(Note: Mom does not ask which one the child will decide. The student who made decision to procrastinate also needs to solve the other rest of the problem. They need to live with the natural consequences of their actions.)

Teens with Great Self Esteem

Self esteem grows when a child asserts their independence and establishes themselves as their own person. Looks, clothes and a positive attitude don't ensure self -esteem. Parents can't give self esteem by trying to make their teen feel good or happy through personal buying power.

The best way to grow a child with self esteem is to make sure they have plenty of opportunities to handle responsibility. That means giving teens (all children) the opportunities to make decisions as well as mistakes.

The best way to do this is to become a parent who guides their children to solve their own problems. Helicopter parents rush in to solve problems and rescue. Drill Sergeant parents tell kids what to do. The end result is poor self esteem because the unstated message is "You are too incompetent to figure this out on your own."

How do you help a child solve their own prbolems? Next post.

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic

What kind of teen would you really like? (It's not too early to start planning for this in early childhood!)

Intentional parenting yields better results then firefighting. In other words, don't just respond to crises... plan ahead. Here are some things other parents would like to see in their teen

• Respectful conversation other adults
• Responsible decision making
• Rock solid self esteem
• Growing independence with evidence that they can and will handle life well on their own
• Evidence of respect in the home
• Happy well adjusted young adults who still have a sense of humor and like spending time with the family.
• Good work ethic and study habits
• A clean room
• Home on time
• No substance abuse
• Healthy decision making in sexuality
• Great relationships with a good peer group
• A positive vision for their future

So how do you get there? is it too late if you are already in the teen years?

It is never to late to improve your parenting and have a better relationship with your child. It might not be easy but it is important and possible. So let's start looking at how to get to where you want to be from wherever you are now.

Oops = back to toddler hood since a parent wrote in...

Heres' the challenge for these parents of twins...
"If I could "interrupt" we need your help! We have twin girls (almost 3). At dinner time (about 5:00) one sits & eats great while the other ALWAYS throws a fit, eats VERY little & begs to be held or get down from her chair. Her famous line now is, "My legs hurt!" This is paired with constant screaming & whining. We've tried everything from "L&L" (bedroom time..."So sad...we're going to have to do something about this later," etc.) and have even tried totally ignoring her. However, that just tortures us with a constant tantrum for the 15-20 mins. of family meal time.Any advice will be greatly appreciated (bonus if it works). Thanks!"

Hmmm- I may end up calling Jim Fay on this one. It really seems like you are doing all the right things. yey! Sorry about the torture though! :(

I am a twin but have never parented them. So if you read this e-mail and want to chime in please feel free to do so! Some options that might be worth experimenting with include...

• Arranging for the whole family to go out to dinner but explaining that the crier can't go because that would disturb others or because you want to eat somewhere where you don't have to listenm to crying. (They might be a bit young for this if they are only two.)
• Arranging for some pre-dinner cuddle time just in case a lack of attention is an issue. "We can cuddle now. At dinner everyone needs to sit in their own chair and eat."
• Check with a doctor to see if the legs really hurt
• Just keep on keeping on because you are doing the right things and a certain amount of torture from two year olds is normal. (Sorry - true but not very helpful.)

I promise next week to call Jim Fay and get back to you.

Got a teen or one on the way?

It is never to late to make you family better, your home happier, or your children healthier. If you are in the thick of living with a teen then you know how valuable it is to add a few extra tools to your parenting toolbox. If you have a child just heading towards the teen years then this is an awesome time to get those tools in place now. These are the last few years you'll have them in your home. It's never been more important to get them ready for the real world or to lay a firm foundation for a positive relationship with (I am quoting Charles fay here ) "the person who will one day pick your nursing home. :)

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic

(Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood)

by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

In the next couple weeks I'll be focusing on adolescents as I walk through the book shown with a group of parents. Whether it's a $5000 cell phone bill, the first car accident, a curfew violation that takes you to the police station, or the first time the sweet little boy who used to snuggle in your lap yells an obscenity at you ...or maybe just that horrible pile of clothes on the floor in their room... Love and Logic has great tools and the combined experience of thousands of parents who have walked this walk who can help.

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic

NEW Love and Logic Class Starting in Belleville, Illinois

(25 miles east of the arch in St. Louis)

Wednesdays 7-8:30 PM

Starting, April 15

• Using the Becoming a Love and Logic Parent curriculum from Love and Logic.
• Participants receive the book: Parenting Teens with Love and Logic (a $25 value)
• First Class is always free! (Try before you sign up)
• Cost: $35 Individual or $50 per couple (Divided payments available)
• Contact: Jill H. at 618-233-2299.
• Location: Commons area. North side of school building. 1810 McClintock Ave., Belleville, IL 62221

Learning About Sex 5 (Ages 15 and Up)

Love , Sex & God is the title of the book (available in a version for each gender) for those 15 and up. My encouragement is for parents to cover this book with their children before they enter high school ( and for sure before they have their first high school health class)
http://www.cph.org/cphstore/Find.asp?find_part_desc=Love+sex+and+God&searchOpt2=All

This is the age (13-15) when some parents choose to give purity rings to their daughters and sons. Websites with information you might find helpful are: http://www.christianliferesources.com/?library/view.php&articleid=313

and http://www.citizenlink.org/FOSI/abstinence/

I absolutely love the idea (where possible) of a same sex get away with time to cover material in the book together (Moms and Daughters, Fathers and Sons.) There is absolutely no substitute for you pouring your family's values into your own child. It might seem like they are not listening but just keep trudging ahead. Then give them the gender appropriate book with your own message written inside and they can continue to use the book as a resource during their teen years. You'll have many opportunities to remind them of how to respect, care for, and protect the opposite sex as they connect with first boyfriends or girlfriends or attend school and outside events.

You might say things like

• God's plan really is for our sexuality to be expressed at its best within a lifelong committed relationship - marriage.
• The physical relationship you have with someone should to be in-line with your spiritual and emotional relationship.
• My hope is that you take time to get to know the whole person as you look for a person to love for a lifetime. It can't be a bad thing can it to develop a really great emotional friendship with someone and to learn about one another's belief systems before you let the physical side of things go to far down the path."
• I trust you to make good decisions and to be protective of yourself and others.

Back to Bedtime -

Remember those 5 posts I did on bedtime from February 16-28? Well Gretchen left this comment over the weekend so I am interrupting the series on Learning Abou Sex to comment further because this is a common problem.

Help!!!
Our 3 year old son will NOT stay in bed at bedtime. Getting him there is easy, but then we spend the next hour or two marching him back to his room...any suggestions???

2 and 3 year olds are learning to follow directions and testing th waters to see if their parents mean business.

• So if you have established good sleep habits...
• If you have made sure your child is worn out (and that they don't have any evening caffeine in their little bodies from soda or tea etc.)
• If you have developed a rock solid bedtime routine that allows plenty of time for unwinding, cuddling, a story, and prayers...
• If you have helped them learn self quieting
• If you have given the child a lot of control through choices as part of the bedtime routine...

They are testing and here are some options...

• During daytime hours practice putting stuffed animals to bed in pretend play with your child and say things like "what a good bear... he stays in his bed after prayers and hugs."
• If they come out, don't say a word just firmly take their hand lead them back to their bedroom and let them know your expectation - "You need to stay in your bed now."
• Or simply look at them and say with empathy, "Oh No, someone is out of their bed? I'll have to do something about that tomorrow. Don't worry about it." (The next day their needs to be a consequence like not going somewhere. You could also use the energy drain technique. )
• Some parents just look a little firm and say, "Where are you supposed to be? " and then stands there until the child returns to bed themselves.
• One parent I know simply brought a book and a chair into the hallway and sat down to read. The minute the little one stepped out of the bedroom they asked, "Where are you supposed to be?" No hugs or talks were provided just the expectation of an immediate return to bed. Some say, "You don't have to go to sleep but you do have to stay in bed." In our house I could also add, "If you need someone to talk to remember you can always pray.""

Having said all that... let me say again that this is such a normal part of childhood and parenting with preschoolers. A parent who is firm and consistent in how they handle this will get results over time. But bedtime does take time and consistency in these years and even though you might be craving an end to your day because you are tired this is not the time to lose your cool. Starting earlier might help.

One more thing - make sure you are a well rested parent. Fatigue makes for impatience and a short fuse in adults too.

I pray for the parents who read this almost daily. This is the most important job God will ever give you. You and your children are precious to Him! Jill :)

Learning About Sex 4

Okay - here it is book 3 in the Learning About Sex Series from Concordia Publishing House: How You are Changing (10-12). This is the time to help your child prepare for Adolescence. http://www.cph.org/cphstore/category.asp?find%5Fcategory=80058&find%5Fdescription=Sex%20Education&NU=0

Here's my recommendation. This is not a book to slip under the pillow and hope your son or daughter will read it. Plan a special time with your child and read this together. It's got 8 little chapters of about 4 pages each. Some options might include...

1. A series of reading "dates"
2. A weekend road trip
3. Two moms taking a trip with daughters or 2 dads taking a trip with sons

This is the book that covers menstruation so if you have a daughter that is maturing early use it earlier rather then later. Some Moms have made a gift of the supplies that will be needed soon and perhaps some other little marker (like a charm bracelet or necklace) of this special entry into womanhood. I would also recommend the American Girl series, The Care and Keeping of You because it deals well with all the hygiene and grooming issues girls need to know about. http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-American-Library/dp/1562476661

The boys version includes night time ejaculation, use of athletic supporters in sports and why boys may mature later then girls. It covers how girls are changing too. What an awesome time for fathers to help their son's learn about respecting and being protective of the opposite sex.

So what if you are a single parent? Enlist a mature male or female friend to help you out but don't be afraid of also reading this book with your opposite gender child. It's just jam packed with great information that will yield fruitful conversations in the years ahead.

Another resource you may find helpful is Preparing for Adolescence from Focus on the Family. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/child_development/preparing_for_adolescence.aspx

Learning About Sex #3

Where do Babies Come From? Both the boys' and girls' version of this book for 7-9 year olds (available from Concordia Publishing House) are awesome. Both gender based books revolve around a birthday, a trip to a museum and the pregnancy of a Mom in the story. The vocabulary covered includes uterus, navel, umbilical cord, pregnant, nursing, ovum, and sperm. I am including 2 quotes below to show you how tactfully this book covers the answer to the question, "Where do babies come form?"

"God planned it so that it takes both a mother and a father. You see every baby begins when two tiny parts join together and start to grow. One of these parts comes from the mother's body. It is called an ovum. The part that comes from the father's body is called a sperm."

and

"At special times, they (Mothers and Fathers) like to hold each other very close. God made their bodies to fit together in a wonderful way. "

You'll find really positive references to the opposite gender in each book. The Dads and Moms on the Parent Ministry Team I work with who read this with their own sons and daughters in their homes felt like it was a positive and empowering experience.

That's the plan... to encourage parents to consistently and thoughtfully shape their children's moral, spiritual, and ethical thinking so that they can be responsible and well educated decision makers in every area of life as they grow older.

All of life fits together. Love and Logic classes teach that it is good for children to make mistakes and experience the consequences of their actions while those consequences are still quite small so that when they are older (and the consequences are much bigger) they have and understanding of personal responsibility.

Learning About Sex # 2

Why Boys and Girls are Different (ages 4-6)

(I should have told you when we started this series of posts that the Learning About Sex series is from a Christian Publishing house but you probably picked up already that that is my worldview. I mention it now because I don't want to surprise those of you who do not have this kind of worldview.)

Sex education in your home really starts when you start teaching your little one to name their body parts. It is a natural part of potty training as well. Why Boys and Girls are Different is a story book that goes as far as to show a picture of a little boy and girl saying "God gave girls a vagina. It is on the inside. That is the best place for it" and "God gave boys a penis. It is on the outside. That is the best place for it." In the course of the story it mentions marriage and talks about family relationships like uncles, aunts, grandparents, and cousins. It mentions pregnancy and that God puts people in "different kinds of families" while also mentioning what it is to have a "church family."

Both the boys and girls version do a particularly fine job of valuing both he's and she's.

For me the tie in to Love and Logic is this... Greta parents equip their children throughout the years they have them for the way the real world works now and for the one they will someday function in on their own. Valuing gender differences, healthy body concept and sexuality are certainly part of this journey.

You can find this book
http://www.cph.org/cphstore/product.asp?category=83981&part%5Fno=142134&find%5Fcategory=83981&find%5Fdescription=Learning+About+Sex+Series&find%5Fpart%5Fdesc=

If you order it, be sure to check for the boys version or the girls version.

Learning About Sex

Question: When should you have THE talk with your children?

Answer: Maybe you should NEVER have THE talk with your kids because you could always be having talks about all of your values, about faith, about God, and about sexuality. Consider that this stuff is too important for ONE talk... it's probably needs to be more like ten thousand little talks over your child's years at home. Of course, it's not just talk either... your children will "catch" your values from the conversations they overhear, the decisions you make, and the life they watch you live out on a daily basis.

One option is to think in terms of "Deuteronomy 6 Parenting." The prophet Moses had just received the 10 Commandments directly from God when he returned to the people of Israel and passed on this wisdom to them, "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up." (Old Testament book of Deuteronomy, chapter 6 verse 6-7)

It was Moses' instruction more then 5000 years ago that discussion about faith, values, behavior, and spirituality would take place in the home. It would seem that it was God's plan that it would be fathers and mothers (not churches, schools, or governments) that would be the ones to shape the next generation in this way.

But what if you didn't have a good model for this when you grew up and are stumped totally about the whole sex education thing and could use a little help? Where does Love and Logic fit in? The next 7 or 8 posts should help! In the mean time, you might want to check out the award winning series Learning About Sex from Concordia Publishing House at http://www.cph.org/cphstore/Find.asp? It has recently been updated and revised. The books for children start at age 4 and are gender specific. I've had a team of parents reviewing them and using them in their homes and the feedback is solidly positive!

So here we go. Hope you love this series of posts! Let me know!