If I could do it all over again I'd never let video games into my home. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests ZERO screen time for children ages 0-2 but what if they are cradled in Dad's lap while he plays hours of video games (or worse, while he catches up on porn).

I know that sounds drastic but they are so addictive to boys and young men. I don't know many married young women who don't complain or worry about the amount of time their husbands play them and the model this is setting for their children.  (A generation ago women were complaining about how often their husbands were gone playing golf or softball. )

This article on CNN will make the point better than I:  The Demise of Guys, How Video Games and Porn are Ruining a Generation. http://edition.cnn.com/2012/05/23/health/living-well/demise-of-guys/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

I hope you check the archives on this blog.. especially after today's post.  Look for the series on video games that Love and Logic speaker Jed Hafer did with me earlier in 2012.

This Memorial day weekend as we remember those who have given their lives for our country (most of them young men) maybe it's time to re-evaluate how we are raising the next generation of young men.

Loving Enforceable Statements!

I Love Enforceable Statements!

Once I learned this skill, I stopped nagging and reminding and  warning.  I stopped telling my children (and husband and employees) what to do and just started saying what I would do!  Love and Logic has lists of them (click here).  Honestly, we have ALL been happier.  (What was I like before?!)

The basic idea is this. If you give a child  (or anyone) an order, they perceive it as
"fighting words" or at least subconsciously as a battle for who is in control.  But if you use "thinking words"  instead  and you'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.  What a great way to set limits!

I invite you to experiment.  See if it works.

Instead of:  I gave you your allowance yesterday and already you are asking for more money...(etc. etc. etc. - Lecture time!)
Try:   Oh maaaan! (Said with sincere empathy).  I am so sorry.  I give allowance on Thursday.  I am sorry you are short.  Don't worry, Thursday is coming in just a few days.

Instead of:  Don't talk to me like that!
Try:  I listen to children whose voices are as calm and quiet as mine.

Instead of : We have to leave in 15 minutes. Breakfast is important. Get in here and eat right now! (Plus additional lecturing and threats)
Try: Breakfast will be on the table from 7-7:30.  Feel free to get all you need to hold you until lunch time!"

Instead of: Clean your room!
Try: I give rides to the mall to anyone with a clean room.
         or
 Feel free to clean your room anytime before you join us for dinner.  (This works best on a night
when you have cooked their favorite meal.  If they don't have their room clean in time then lead with empathy and say "That is so sad.  Don't worry.  Dinner will be on the table for another 30 minutes.  feel free to join us when your room is clean.  If you can't get it done then at least you know we'll have a great breakfast in the morning.")

I know the above is hard but once children know you will indeed let them experience the consequences of their actions they will start thinking about their own behavior.
     

Two Rules of Love and Logic - Rule 2

Rule #2: When a Child causes a problem, the adult hands it back in loving ways.

• The adult holds the child accountable for solving his/her problem in a way that does not make a problem for others
• The adult "locks in" empathy before the consequences are delivered.

If we want our kids to become adults who make good decisions, we need to be willing to give them lots of practice now and let then accept and learn from the consequences of those decisions.

How do we do that?
 The Love and Logic website offers many concrete examples (click here)

• Always lead with empathy - empathy allows children to focus on what they did to cause the problem rather then on the anger of the adult involved.
• Offer choices with limits - Children want and need control. If we don't share it, they will find a way to take it.  Asking, "Would you like to put your socks on this foot first or that foot first?" may sound hokey but it works better then "Get your socks on!"
• Use enforceable statements - Adults state what they will do rather than telling the child what to do.  "Children who pick up their toys when I ask them to get to keep them."  What if they don't pick them up?  Without anger, lectures, threats, or warnings the parent picks up the toys and places them in a "toy jail."  They can be earned back through chores or bought back with allowance. If they are not redeemed in 30 days they can be given to charity or sold at a garage sale.
• Provide delayed or extended consequences - A child in the situation above may not realize until the next day that all they toys they left out are gone.  The parent can lead with empathy when the child ask about the missing toys.  "This is so sad.  Children who pick up their own toys can keep them. If you are interested in earning some back just let me know."   A consequence does NOT need to be immediate.  A child old enough to remember a promise is old enough for a delayed consequence.

Check out How to Discipline Kids Without Losing Their Love or Respect and Amazon.com  or at get the book and DVD at LoveandLogic.com

Two Rules for Love and Logic - Rule 1

Love and Logic only has a two rules.
Rule 1: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lectures, threats or warnings.

• Adults should set limits that can be enforced without power struggles
• Adults must resist the temptation to nag (anger, lectures, threats, warnings)

How can rule 1 be accomplished?
Love and Logic suggests that instead of giving orders, parents can use enforceable statements.  Orders or commands encourage battles. 
Consider:
 "Get in here and eat your lunch!   We have to leave in 20 minutes!"
vs
" Lunch will be on the table for 20 more minutes. Feel free to eat during this time.  I hope you'll join us but if not don't worry.  Dinner is only 6 hours away.

 The first statement may not be enforceable and may encourage a child to test the limits.  The second statement put control squarely in their laps.  They have time to think about their decision.  The smart parent won't rescue the from a bad one.

Parents are more effective when they describe what they will do rather then telling a child what to do.

Setting limits is an incredible gift of love for your child. Most teachers can spot kids who have not had good limits a mile away.  They don't listen.  They get in trouble more at school.  They have poor relationships with peers.  More often then not, the parent would like to set limits but is inconsistent in follow through or needs to learn that they can survive their child's attempts to derail them.  The dreaded, "I hate you" or "Your mean!" or "You don't love me!"  has made many a mom cry.  It's never too late to become a better parent but it does get harder the later you wait to change course.
How to Discipline Kids without Losing Their Love and Respect is a great intro to Love and Logic.  It is also available in DVD  and at Amazon.com.

Practice Making Decisions 3

Children Need Practice Making Decisions

If the outcome we hope for in raising our children is that some day they will be responsible adults who make wise decisions... then they will need practice. If they get a good deal of practice while they are little, along with some practice in experiencing the consequences of their decisions, then the likelihood that they will make good decisions as adults increases dramatically.
Why might a parent prevent a child from experiencing the consequences of their decision?

1.  The parent doesn't want the child to be unhappy.
2.  The parents does not want the child to experience pain or sadness.
3.  The parent feels mean when they let their child "suffer."

Somethings to think about? 

There is a reason for the old saying that "wisdom is born of pain."  Children are little scientists constantly running experiments on what works or doesn't work.  Experiencing a negative outcome lets a child know, through experience, about what experiments they might want to avoid repeating.  Learning to cope with negative outcomes can build a good deal of character strength as well.

Note: Please assume with me here that we are not talking extreme danger.  A parent does not let a 2 year old experience the outcome of getting hit by a car because the child walked into the street.  However, having to go inside on a nice day might be an excellent outcome to experience.