I almost hate to see this series with Love and Logic speaker Jedd Hafer come to an end. I so appreciate the time he took to answer some challenging parenting questions on a timely topic. Heres' the end of this interview. I think you'll appreciate the wisdom Jedd brings to this situation as much as I did!
Jedd, I have questions related to this next scenario every time I facilitate "Becoming a Love and Logic Parent. "
Scenario: Jake is a Sr. in high school. He’d rather spend all his free time playing online games with other guys from all over the world then do anything else. On Friday and Saturdays, he games all night sometimes waking the family with cheers when a battle has gone well. He has a job but all his money goes to video games, systems, or energy drinks. His parents worry that he needs more social interaction but he explains that he is interacting socially with the team he fights alongside. And besides, he say, “At least I’m not out doing drugs or drinking!” He is always tired and grumpy. His parents can’t agree on what to do and are asking for wisdom. Dad thinks he’s fine. Mom thinks Jake could end up living in their basement forever. She wants to stop paying the online service bill.
Now, we start to get into this issue of affordable mistakes and the issue of kid’s problem vs. causing a problem for others. I LOVE the idea of stopping payment for the online service! What a great way to be able to say, “You can have it when you can afford to pay for it.” At 18, that’s more realistic than adults managing his time for him.
A couple other thoughts: I would look at charging him for waking up the family (a more grown-up version of the ‘Energy Drain’). Since he works and has money, I’d look for ways to charge him for inconvenience.
If it gets bad enough to remove, we can go back to the “…when it doesn’t cause problems” phrase (see earlier posts from this interview) These parents will want to make sure they are setting good limits in other areas as far as what they provide. 18-yr.-olds ought to be paying for more and more of their own stuff. There was a mom who told her son, “I’m worried we might be getting you used to a lifestyle you won’t be able to keep up. So, kids in this house need to pay more of their own way for things like driving, cell phones, video games, devices, service bills etc.”
What a gift she gave her son in helping him realize how the real world actually works!
Closing Thoughts from Jedd
There is a wide range of video games. Some are educational, some are sports, some are incredibly violent and contain sexually explicit material.
Violent video games have been shown to erode empathy and lower inhibitions - even worse than violent TV and movies. If you have ever seen the worst side of your son after he spent hours shooting or fighting in a game, you know this.
For very young kids, the fundamental problem also becomes that new brain cells are constantly showing up for ‘work’. They learn their ‘job’ by assimilating to whatever the rest of the brain is engaged in.
Kids who are constantly in front of screens are teaching their new brain cells that their job is to be electronically stimulated. Too many brain cells learning that their job is to be entertained is obviously not good for a developing brain.
For more info on this subject, I shamelessly recommend the Speed-e Solutions downloadable audio ‘Taming the Technology Monster’ http://bit.ly/ifntWk .
Thanks !
Jedd Haffer
Thanks for the interview, Jedd, and thanks to those who read this blog!
Jill Hasstedt
The interview series with Love and Logic speaker Jedd Hafer ends with my questions to him about 2 real life scenarios that have come from my classes.
Question 8. Jedd, but not too long ago a situation similar to the following came up in one of my Love and Logic classes. I'd love your input.
Scenario: Danny (name changed) is in 7th grade. His mom thinks that he doesn’t manage time well and is not happy with his grades. He is allowed to play 30 minutes of video games on school nights but complains that this is not even enough to get started. His friends have gaming events where they stay up all night playing but his Mom won’t let him go. The battleground has become so frustrating that Danny’s mom has asked for help.
First, I think mom should stick to her guns – limiting it to 30 min. and not allowing her 7th –grader to attend the all-night gaming events.
If he keeps fighting her (now it becomes a problem for someone else – her), then, I think I’d go back and start from zero. Remove the device (or the controllers & all the game discs if that’s easier) while he’s away at school. Be ready for a freakout. Time this on a day when you have some additional leverage and/or some backup. Respond to the fit w/ lots of empathy and few words.
Her magic phrase becomes, “And we can bring it back when I know it won’t cause a problem.”
When he earns it back, he is much less likely to test her – much more likely to appreciate the time he does get.
Next and last post in this series: One more scenario and concluding comments.
This has been a powerful series of posts on gaming as I've interviewd Love and Logic speaker Jedd Hafer. These last few posts may be even more powerful then the first.
Question 7: Jedd, should children be allowed to have gaming systems in their rooms?
It is best if they are not in bedrooms - especially if kids have access to online gaming.
Online gaming is just like letting a kid wander the worst parts of the internet. The internet is worse than the biggest, most dangerous city in the world. Would we let our kids wander alone in the most dangerous part of the worst big city in the world? In fact, it is worse because predators specifically use online gaming to lure kids. It is also a hotbed of hacking. Kids tend to be more careless with their passwords, so hackers have found this to be an effective way to get into to families’ information.
Plus, it is just more tempting, more accessible and less easily supervised when the system is in a bedroom.
Computers and games – and anything with web access should be in supervised areas. You can password protect and/or filter your internet service and most devices. Get a techie friend (not your child) to help.
Parents who have the most disasters are those who give young children complete free reign of all devices and complete privacy. It is not ‘if’ they will have problems, it is ‘when’.
Final Two Posts: Jedd's response to 2 real life scenarios
Welcome to post 4 of my interview with Love and Logic speaker Jedd Hafer. In this post Jedd responds to 2 important questions about gaming on school nights and on the impact of parent modeling.
Question 5: Should school nights be a no gaming zone?
I think that’s up to parents to decide based on their situations. Between having dinner together (so important), homework and helping out around the house, hopefully there isn’t a ton of time even available. We sure have better nights when we ALL unplug from electronics for at least some of the evening.
Before bed is an important time to lower stimulus to get our brains and bodies ready for sleep. Reading before bed is approximately 90 billion times better before bed than video games (roughly – give-or-take) . Just about the difference between kids eating vegetables and eating poison
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Question 6: Jedd, what if one parent is a gamer and it’s also having a negative impact on the family, how might the other parent address this?
We have to remember the importance of modeling. Our example is powerful.
However, in some houses, I’ve seen it be a benefit that at least one adult understands the world of video games. That parent is less likely to depend on the kids’ word that a game is appropriate – or the rating system which may not match their values.
I have seen – especially dads and sons who could at least bond and spend some time together over games. And dad knows what the content is like.
On the other hand, if adults are not using time wisely, not interacting with the family, ignoring their own chores and duties, this is a highly destructive example. If something is harmful to my children, I feel compelled to say something.
Charles Fay and I put together a Speed-e Solutions audio on conflicting parenting styles. Click here (or go to http://bit.ly/g5QqFu )
One strategy in it is to say to our spouse, “Hey, I want you to know that I am going to support you when it comes to raising our kids. If you ever set a limit with our kids, I’m going to back you up. Even if I disagree, I’ll back you up and we can talk about our disagreement later. If you ever see me doing something that is damaging to the kids, please pull me aside, away from the kids and let me know. I will listen and do whatever I can to do the best for the kids. Now, can I ask the same from you?”Next Post: Should children be allowed to have gaming systems in their rooms?
This is part 3 in my interview on gaming with Love and Logic Speaker Jedd Hafer.
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Question 4: Jedd, When they see gaming as an issue, how should a parent step in to help their child manage their time better?
To me, that depends. In Parenting with Love and Logic, we want to see our kids making AFFORDABLE mistakes. Making poor use of time might be an affordable mistake for some kids, depending on age, grades etc.
The best and easiest) time to set the limit is UP FRONT. When we first provide the device or gaming system, we can set the conditions.
If it’s too late for that, I might experiment with going back to zero. Hard in the short-run, but worth it in the long-run for the kid to come home and the device is just gone. Get a friend to keep it hidden in their house for you to help you stay strong. Now you can say “We’ll bring ____ back into our home when ________.” I like “…when it is not causing problems.”
Parents who have taken this significant action often endure an initial blow-up. But, since they have taken action and set a REAL LIMIT, they tend to have fewer fights when the device returns.
We actually hope every kid gets a cell phone taken away at least once so that the kid will believe adults will follow through and actually do something.
As far as managing time when the device is available, I like going back to that phrase “You are welcome to play as soon as chores and homework are completed.” I know a dad who kept the controllers and his kids had to ‘check them out’ from him after he saw that their work was done.
But as kids get older, we don’t want to be managing their time for them as much. We are more likely to step in when their behavior causes a problem for somebody else. If they are mostly making problems for themselves and not others, we might hang back a bit and let empathy + the consequences (being tired, having to scramble to get things done) do the teaching.
We always want parents to be able to use some flexibility and common sense.
Next Post: Should school nights be a no gaming zone?
Closing Thoughts from Jedd
